I am a recovering cynic. I still struggle with it.

I have made progress though.

Several years ago, a friend tried to convince me to read The Secret. I asked her about it. “It is based on this premise that if you picture yourself having something that you want, you will eventually have it. In other words, if you put out in the universe that you are going to have X, it will come to you.”

I don’t remember what I said to her. I think I might have gone into some kind of coma – like a drug addict who overdoses on the drug of choice. My need for cynicism was just fed a goldmine. I may have started to shake and froth at the mouth.

Based on her recommendation, I even bought The Secret. I tried, I really did. I just couldn’t get through it.

What I see in retrospect, though, is that I needed to ease my way into it. Going from being a cynical person to embracing The Secret would have been like a life-time smoker giving up cigarettes cold turkey. It could be done; I apparently just wasn’t strong enough.

And so I worked, slowly, on being less cynical and being more open to “the Universe.”

Honestly, it took me two or three years to notice a difference.

One of the clearest examples of my progress is the way in which I reached the decision to open a Great Harvest bakery. By being open to ideas and changes, and being mindful of themes (and yes, perhaps, “signs”) in my life, I was eventually led to Great Harvest and its franchise opportunities.

In reading back over that last paragraph, I realize that I have made the process sound very gentle … very lyrical … very gradual.

I think the Universe is much more forceful with me. Perhaps to some, the Universe taps you on the shoulder. To others, maybe it whispers in your ear. With me, I think it bonks me on the head.

That may say something about my personality.

There is a very recent example.

Like all of us in our everyday lives, I have been a bit stressed. And I have been feeling the added pressure (added by myself) of doing another blog post. The posts that I like the most just come to me – and they feel right. Nothing had come to me, so I sat down to force a topic. I thought of how I had addressed topics very difficult to me so I searched for another challenging topic. All I needed to do was turn on the tv to find the answer. Politics.

I wrote a post about politics. It was a nonpartisan post. It bemoaned the lack of respect and civility in our nation and talked about how people in general have changed.

We have all heard it before.

It didn’t feel good. It was a depressing view of humanity.

And then the Universe bonked me on the head.

On my to-do list for the next day was to set up a Facebook page for the new business. I did it, and then watched as friends and family and even people who I did not know responded with encouragement and support.

An old friend responded to a happy birthday wish with the most kind and heartfelt message – a message that has remained with me.

Four of us on a non-profit board in town met and together worked out a very difficult problem we had encountered. And we did it by truly listening and caring.

Civility is not gone, nor is respect and kindness. People are still inherently good.

But you have to be open to it. You have to look for it.  And we need to remember what is truly important.

If you don’t, the Universe may bonk you on the head.

Within the last couple of years, I have come to a very significant realization.

Everyone has issues.

For me, this understanding has changed my life.

It has helped me to build meaningful and deep relationships with some incredible people.

In the past, there have been times I have looked at someone and thought that he or she had the perfect life … or body … or job … or relationship. I am not proud to admit that there were times I felt envy or jealousy with those thoughts.

Envy and jealousy are not emotions which are conducive to friendships, relationships or happiness (or really anything positive).

Through experience, I am now more apt to recognize struggles, insecurity, hardship, unhappiness or tragedy in a person.  And instead of envy and jealousy for the positive aspects of their lives, I feel empathy … compassion … a desire to assist … and admiration for the way that people deal with these issues.

Please understand that I am not saying that I take pleasure in the problems of other people. I am not and I do not.

Instead, it has provided a basis on which to connect with others. It has, in a sense, leveled the playing field for me. Despite what it may seem at first, we are all so much alike, and we all have so much to learn from each other.

I also realized that, in order to truly connect with another, I needed to share my own struggles, insecurities and hardships. That is not something that I had done in the past.

I like to think that maybe this is growth.

I have found that there is so much strength to be gained not only from helping others, but also from making yourself vulnerable to another, and receiving advice and assistance.

As you may know from an earlier post of mine, I am entering into a new business venture about which I am very excited. My announcement of this to my friends and family was met with enthusiasm, for the most part. I’m also planning to invest in business intelligence tools. And to start my business in Alaska, I need to file the alaska articles of incorporation, which officially establishes my corporation and allows me to operate legally.

Then a virtual office in Manchester is an excellent choice for home-based businesses looking to establish a credible presence. It offers a professional address and additional services. For more details, check out https://virtually-there.net/virtual-offices/manchester/.

There were a few, though, who were less than enthused. I pushed them on the issue, because if the reaction was due to a fear that I could address or prepare for, I wanted to know.

Instead, what I felt was resentment and a bit of anger.

I have thought about those reactions quite a bit in the past month.

And I wonder if my inability to share my issues in the past has left some with the false impression that I don’t have any. That perhaps life has come very easily to me.

If so, I want to set the record straight. My life has been very good and I am blessed. And I try to be grateful of that constantly. But it has not been without struggles.

Hello, my name is LeeAnn and I have issues.

I have struggled with eating disorders, with balance, and with periods of unhappiness. I have endured relationships that were hurtful and break-ups that almost crushed me. I have been sad, scared and angry – and I do not mean fleeting emotions. I still experience insecurity and doubts on a regular basis.

I have worked very hard for my achievements – sometimes too hard and have possibly sacrificed too much.

Knowing the above, I hope and pray that it enables you to have compassion for me and to truly share in my successes and hold my hand through the failures.

Because I so want to do that with you.

Last week I was asked by one of my partners to talk to the attorneys at my firm about my blog.

His request set off a battle of conflicting voices within me.

The immediate – “OMG, I have to stand in front of 60 attorneys and talk about ME???”

Then, of course, the responsible … “LeeAnn, this would be good for you. You need to do this.”

And the rebel, “I am 45, I don’t need to do anything I don’t want to do.”

The insecurity came out with “no one is going to find this interesting.”

Apparently, the pleaser won the war, as I heard myself say, “if you would like me to do this, I will do so.”

In six (6) days (not that I am counting), I will stand in front of a large (in my opinion) group of attorneys and, for twelve (12) (not that I will be counting) minutes, their attention will be focused on … me.

I can hear many of you saying, “piece of cake” … “no problem” … “twelve minutes is nothing.”

Something is wrong with me then.

Seriously, even typing out this blog post is making me nervous.

It is not like I haven’t done it before. I have given speeches in the past on numerous occasions.

Some have been on topics absolutely foreign to me, such as the Georgia ad valorem taxes. (Thank you Marvin Fentress.) I prepared for months for the presentation and somehow muddled my way through it. I don’t remember anything about what I said, but I do remember having an out-of-body experience for much of the forty-five minutes.

I argued in front of the Third Circuit Court of Appeals in Philadelphia as a second year attorney. Talk about stressful.  It might as well have been in front of the Supreme Court. It was me, in front of a panel of old distinguished judges, with a full courtroom behind me. I threw up both before and after the argument. (Luckily, neither time was in the actual courtroom.) I also tripped over someone’s briefcase on the way out. I ended up winning, but let me assure you, with no modesty involved, that my then three-year old nephew could have won the argument. It was a slam dunk case – which is why it was given to a second year associate.

I have spoken on topics dear to me, which is a little bit easier, but still incredibly nerve-wracking. Ironically after I decided that trial work was not for me, I gave a speech in front of the Michigan State Supreme Court Justices, the Governor of Michigan, and other politicians, accepting an honor on behalf of a loved one. I am pretty sure I visibly shook.

I am hoping that these past experiences make this one easier for me.

It is on a topic I know.

There will be no elected officials or esteemed jurists present.

I have learned my lessons and will not eat beforehand. I will clear my paths of obstacles.

I have tried all of the standard tips including employing yoga breathing and talking directly to one person. Frankly, there are only two things that seem to help me:  (i) beer; and (ii) if people ask questions. For some reason, beer gives me strong nerves. I probably shouldn’t disclose this, but after a beer or two, I will pretty much do anything, with no fear.

Since beer is not an option for next week (or at least not one that I want to pursue), I am hopeful that my audience will be interactive. For some reason, that works to calm me.

Maybe it is because it distracts me.

Although, of course, that assumes that I know the answer to the question posed. (Maybe I should request that you ask me an easy question.)

I used to think with practice and/or age, this would get easier.

Here’s hoping that it finally will.