I am not sure that there is much that is more pure than your first best friendship.  I remember mine vividly.  We were best friends from the age of about three until six, when my family moved.  At that age, there was nothing but joy in the relationship – no competition and really no concerns other than how to stay out of trouble (something we weren’t always good at doing – I remember our parents telling us at one point that we committed a federal crime when we innocently tried to deliver letters and ended up switching people’s mail around).   Everyone in the neighborhood knew that where there was one, there was the other.  When our parents couldn’t find us, they knew where to call first.  Friendship seemed simple and effortless at that age.

I remember crying when we said good-bye.  I had no idea then what I was losing.  I never again gave of myself so freely in a relationship with a friend as that first one, when I did so unknowingly.

It wasn’t that I didn’t have friends; I was involved in athletics and my teammates were my friends.  I even considered myself a good friend.  In retrospect, though, I can see that I held back and never invested fully.  I often canceled on planned events.  I would listen to my friend’s problems and try to help them, but I wouldn’t share my problems.  For some reason, I wouldn’t allow myself to be vulnerable to them.

The number of friends that I have lost through inaction is embarrassing.  I was a bridesmaid in eight weddings; the only couple that I am still in contact with is my brother and sister-in-law.  In the last decade, I blamed it on my demanding job.  Because I was on the phone all day at work, the last thing I wanted to do when I got home is pick up the phone.

When I hit my forties and started to go through a self exploration process, this is one of the issues on which I focused.  I had gotten to a point in life where my closest friends were at my office, because that is where I spent all of my time.  I craved real connections on a basis other than being a workaholic.

I have blogged before about the book “Fortytude” by Sarah Brokaw.  “Connectedness” is one of the core values identified by Sarah for women to embrace.  In the section on Connectedness, Sarah espouses the virtues of female friendships.  As she explains, “When I think about female friendships, the word that comes to mind is ‘nourishment.’  …  We tend to each other’s wounds in times of need, celebrate each other’s successes, and simply make day-to-day existence more fun.”  I wanted this in my life again; I needed it.

I did a bit of self-analysis about why I seem to have lost the ability to connect deeply with people outside my family and marriage; I think there are a number of reasons.  But I also decided that it didn’t really matter as long as I recognized what I needed to do in the future; what was important to me was to move forward and try to develop the connections that I was missing.

There are a couple of ways that I have gone about this.  I realized that friendships at this age are not easy, unlike when we were children.  To nurture and maintain a relationship  requires significant effort.  Over the past few years, I have traveled to reconnect with important women in my life.  I have scheduled girls’ weekends – something I was not a big fan of before, but am a huge believer in now.  I make an effort at nearly constant communication.  With social media as it is now, talking on the phone is not necessary for heartfelt communication; we have options like email and facebook.  I make it a priority to be available to my friends.

I work very hard to remove judgment and feelings of competition from my friendships with women.  The  judgment issue has not been a hard one for me.  I will be honest – I am a competitive person (it comes from the years in team sports).  I am much more in-tune now to recognizing these thoughts though, and can then work to push them aside.

I allow myself to be vulnerable to my girlfriends.  This also was not easy for me.  I am used to being the aid giver, not the taker.   This change has made a tremendous difference in my friendships.

While I will continue to be a work in progress, I feel great satisfaction in what I have achieved.  The friendships with my girlfriends are so incredibly meaningful to me and bring joy and comfort daily.  As Sarah Brokaw so profoundly stated, “[g]irlfriends feed each other’s soul.”  My soul is feeling pretty happy these days.