October 24th, 2011 
LeeAnn At some point within the last few years, I became very conscious of my cynicism and my tendencies toward negativity. In writing this blog, my hope was not only to document my efforts to become a more positive person – but also to make myself accountable to others to continue those efforts.
(As an aside, I often wonder where and when I developed those qualities. I certainly didn’t have them when I was young. Perhaps it was part of my training as a Philadelphia lawyer.)
These personality traits started to weigh heavily on me and I decided to try to change them – or at least to soften them greatly.
Along the way, I have had some successes and some failures. I have a feeling that it is going to be a constant effort for the rest of my life – and perhaps that the value is in the journey itself, and not necessarily reaching the goal.
It is interesting to me that many of the paths in my journey have led to the concept of kindness.
If you had asked me, five years ago, if I considered myself a kind person, I would have answered unequivocally – yes. I have always thought of myself as kind. I was fortunate to be raised with the ideals of not only accepting people’s differences – racially, religiously, politically, physically – but also embracing them. And that is how I have lived my life (although not without fail – there is always room for improvement).
But I have learned that there are many more facets to kindness.
Many of the self-help books point you to idea of first being kind to yourself. My initial reaction to this was – isn’t that selfish? Narcissistic?
The more I read, though, the more the idea started to make sense to me. And I decided to try it. In the last year, I have made it a priority to be good to myself. I have finally acknowledged and embraced my love for animals and my choice to be vegetarian; I have worked to improve my habits within that discipline (such as getting more protein). I have dedicated time to a consistent yoga practice; I have sought aerobic exercise that does not hurt my body. I am trying to improve my sleep habits.
And along the way, something odd happened – I realized that being kind to myself is making me a more kind person to others. It is logical that a nourished, happy, healthy and rested person is going to be a nicer person. And yet it is hard for many of us to see. I didn’t see it. I look back at my thirty-something self who worked all of the time and was probably incredibly grumpy to those that worked with me. I regret that.
I find this recent quote from Baron Baptiste (who is the leader of the type of yoga that I practice) to be profound: “As we become gentler with ourselves, it is natural for us to have a deeper compassion for others and to live with true grace.”
Recently another aspect of kindness presented itself to me. And this probably won’t surprise many of you, but the epiphany came to me as the result of a yoga class.
I had a particularly strong yoga practice this past week. There were fewer than normal people in class and our instructor gently asked us to move closer to one another so as to feed off of each other’s energy. We all complied. In class, I reached levels of poses that I had not previously attained. At the end of the practice, prior to dismissal, our yoga instructor very quietly said “you all inspire me.”
Like many of us, I have become good over the years at dismissing compliments – not absorbing them and not really accepting them. But for some reason, I took this one in and it immediately felt good. I did feel inspiring. With those words, she started my day with an incredible feeling.
And then she said “know that you inspire others but they may not have the courage to tell you.”
I have thought a lot about those words – how good her words made us feel and yet some of us (me included) are hesitant in making others feel good. And why? Because of fear.
In looking back at that morning, I see that I immediately missed an opportunity. Throughout the practice that morning, the woman next to me inspired me with her warrior two poses. Her front leg was at a perfect right angle and she looked strong. It encouraged me to go deeper into my pose. Why did I not tell her, after class, that she inspired me? I did not know her, and it would have taken some courage to approach someone who I do not know – especially at 6 am when I am sweaty and I have not even brushed my hair (for some reason I find it necessary to say that I had brushed my teeth).
What is the potential risk in this type of situation? That she may think I am a crazy stalker? She might think I am weird – but that is ok, I have had many people think that of me, I am sure. The potential benefit, on the other hand, is huge. It could produce a positive feeling in her that she carries with her for that day – or couple of days, or maybe even for that whole week. And if you want to really stretch it – it may make her feel so good that she is kind to someone else, who is more kind to another person….
Isn’t it worth it to take that risk?
I think it is.
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That’s a great question about where did I develop the tendency toward being a cynic. It will be though the same channels as me which is the cultural meta-narrative that focuses on the self. My happiness, my ego, being all I can be and you can be all you want to be: successful, sexy, thin, or fat. Do you see, it’s all about meeting the needs of the self? These ideas were popularised through philosophers like Emanuel Kant and have been woven into the cultural fabrics of our nations. Yoga is popular because it reinforces this idea that we can discover the good person inside. In truth yoga is serving to reinforce those thoughts and ideas that lead to the conflict, neglect, suffering and abuse that surrounds not only in the wider world but also behind the closed doors of our nearest neighbors. Is Yoga really strengthening your relationships with your husband? Take a look at the DVD, ‘Rebellion of Thought’, a film by the brothers williamson wwwexplorationfilms.com, if you dare, it examines post-modernism and its roots. It will certainly go a long way to answering the questions you pose.
It is interesting how difficult it can be to tell someone you recognize something special about them.. Easy to say you are a great cook or that’s a beautiful sweater–but to say thank you for encouraging me or for being honest with me–or you inspire me, not so easy.
Thank you for writing this–it has inspired me to try and move from my comfort zone.
Patricia – I agree with you – and you said it so profoundly. That is what I am trying to do too – go outside of my comfort zone. Good luck!!
You have helped me through one of the only things I wasn’t sure I would like about this particular yoga studio I’ve started to go to. It’s in a beautifully restored mill building and I love the brick and the atmosphere. But the room is smaller than I expected and there are nine mats, all fairly close together. We live in a small, rural community so I’m incredibly lucky to have ANY studio within minutes of our home. Yet, in the class, I felt like I was a little too close to the others. And now through what you’ve shared, it changes my perspective on how being close is a positive impact on the experience. Incredible, LeeAnn. Thank you.
I also think it’s interesting that you said you didn’t have the personality traits you’re trying to shift when you were young. Seems like your journey is taking you back at the same time you are moving forward. What a nice way to honor your roots. As always, you’ve inspired me to reach out and be kind to others, at times when I would have been too busy to remember how important it is.
Robin – so glad to give you another perspective on the lack of space in yoga class. It is something that I struggled with as well and am now very comfortable with it. I think the key is having teachers that you trust and really respect. I hope you have instructors that you like. As always, thanks for your thoughtful and kind comment!
“I realized that being kind to myself is making me a more kind person to others. It is logical that a nourished, happy, healthy and rested person is going to be a nicer person. And yet it is hard for many of us to see.”
I so agree. Sometimes we give too much and don’t take enough. It can leave us feeling exhausted or resentful and it doesn’t help us to express our true selves.
I have that same reserve at time – I don’t share with the person who inspires me because I don’t want to seem like a creepy freak, or I don’t want to appear as if I am flirting, or brown-nosing, or otherwise making the statement to increase my worth in the eyes of the other person. Yet, if someone is sincere with me, and shares a complimentary observation, I generally don’t suspect them of such motives. Funny how we are often much harder on ourselves than we are on others.
And so that said, the idea of being kind to oneself naturally extends to being kinder to others is all the more interesting. How far can we go as a spirited individual with keen intellect when we embrace the full complement of our self?
Many of us have that propensity to false modesty which stems from pride which is at the root of this problem. As I mentioned above it’s the nature of our cultural narrative that puts self at the centre. See the fractured relationships, neglect and abuse in our neighbourhoods and beyond to understand the consequences of this path. The DVD, Rebellion of Thought was really helpful in seeing how the destructive force of pride has become woven into our cultural narrative to the point where we now see it as a healthy thing. The trouble is like most lies it’s attractive and convincing, it has to be otherwise nobody would believe it.
You’re right, of course, with respect to not taking the opportunity to say things like, “You inspire me,” etc. I think (for me, at least), I’m always afraid that’s going to come across as too intense or familiar, or worse, cheesy in that it may sound false or weird. Invariably, though, when I’ve told someone that they have really motivated me to do x, rarely am I greeted with skeptisism. instead, it’s usually unguarded surprise and warmth. 🙂