One of the goals I have set in my self-awareness and growth journey has been to deepen and strengthen the relationships in my life – with my spouse, my family and my friends.

Especially with regard to my friendships, I identified gossip as something that can weaken, not strengthen, the bond.

I set out to change my habits, but I struggled a little. What constitutes gossip? Is it ever ok to gossip?

While mulling these issues over, I came across some helpful guidance.

Before the start of a yoga class, I was looking through old Yoga Journals. The following title immediately caught my eye: “Psst Pass it On. Gossip can cause trouble in your inner life as well as your outer life. Here’s how to rein it in.” The article, by Sally Kempton, addressed many of the things with which I have been struggling. (If you would like read the article, you can find it here: Psst Pass It On.)

To my surprise, and much to my relief, Sally believes that there is such a thing as good gossip. There are valuable social functions served by some types of gossip, including the informal exchange of information and as a way of social monitoring (for example, getting the word out about someone who is truly doing bad things).

Phew.

But then there is the bad gossip.

I hoped for specific advice here. “It is considered bad gossip if you talk about x, y and z.”

Nothing is ever that clear.

However, Sally introduces a concept that I find very descriptive and helpful. She calls it the aftertaste of a conversation.

As she explains, “[g]ood gossip leaves a friendly aftertaste. You feel closer to the person you’ve been talking about, more connected to the world around you. Good gossip feels pleasantly informative, like catching up on old friends. It doesn’t leave you feeling out of sorts, angry, or jealous.”

Alternatively, bad gossip has a negative aftertaste. Sally encourages us to notice the aftertaste of the conversation. If it is unpleasant, chances are that it involved bad gossip. Think about how that makes you feel.

I think we all know that intuitively, but we choose to ignore it at times. I can specifically recall leaving lunches feeling very drained … almost dirty … and guilty.

Sally Kempton gives some additional suggestions on how to reduce the amount of gossip in your life. Become aware of the issue and “catch yourself” in the act. Once you are conscious of the behavior, you can work to change it.

Also, be more critical of the gossip that you hear. Do not automatically give it validation by rushing to judgment about the people who are the subject of the gossip.

My favorite of her tips is to pick a gossip buddy.  “If you have a designated gossip buddy, it’s much easier to practice restraint with the other people in your life. Choose someone who can keep secrets and who will support you in your desire to be more conscious of what you say.”

Armed with Sally’s advice, I have become determined to stop myself from the harmful gossip.

It has been more difficult than I expected – in ways that I did not anticipate.

It is a hard to be in a situation, for example a gathering of friends, and to have a topic of conversation arise in which you would have (or, in fact, have) previously participated. To suddenly abstain from this without making others uncomfortable is a bit tricky. I am extremely non-confrontational, so my approach so far has been to try to gently change the conversation. If that does not work, I make an excuse to leave the room.

I am much stronger now about not betraying confidences – or that which I believe to be confidences. Now, before telling friend A something about another friend B, I try to stop and ask myself if I were friend B, would I want to be the one dispensing the information?  If I am not certain of the answer, I call friend B and ask her if she wants that information shared. I try to err on the side of being very conservative.

When I have employed this process, I have been very happy with the results in the sense that my friendship with friend B has been strengthened significantly.

Also, there has been a positive effect on my own self worth. I feel good about becoming a better friend.

Although I didn’t anticipate that this new approach of mine would hurt other friends’ feelings, I think I understand it. There was a time in the past when I more easily shared everything I knew and the change in my behavior makes people wonder if it is a change in my feelings towards them.

The message that I wish to convey is that it is not because of you that I am no longer sharing – it is because I am working on me. You haven’t become untrustworthy; I am just trying to be more trustworthy.

And, most importantly, I am going through these efforts so that I can also be a much better friend to you.

Hopefully the day will come when the urge to share gossip is not even present in me. I have definitely noticed a positive change.

In the meantime, however, if you will excuse me, there is something that I have to tell my mama gossip buddy ….