February 21st, 2012 
LeeAnn I have been fortunate to have a lot of happiness in my life.
As I have aged though, I have gone through struggles. I believe most of us have. There have been times during those difficult periods when I succumbed to the unhappiness. I wallowed in it; I was not always nice (to myself or others); I surrounded myself with negativity. All aspects of my life suffered during those times – my health, my relationships, and my profession.
When I committed myself to this journey of self-enlightenment in my forties, I began to really think about the state of happiness. I read books discussing it. I informally talked to some experts. I observed people in my life that were either happy or unhappy.
I eventually decided that being happy was a choice that I could make. But it wasn’t always going to be easy. It requires consistent effort and, for me, involves focusing on three basic concepts.
In no way am I speaking to those of you who suffer from depression. I understand very little about that illness, but know that it is not a choice and that it is a constant battle.
Step one for me has been to attempt to set aside judgment. I judge myself most harshly; and now that I am more aware of the issue, I can see the damage that it does to me. I will catch myself internally beating myself up for something, and then I notice the almost immediate physical consequences of it. My shoulders round; my posture weakens; I retreat into myself. I am not projecting positive energy.
I also can be judgmental of others. I have lately started to examine those judgments and push back against them. I ask myself what is it in me that is causing me to reach that conclusion. I also try to look compassionately at what is in the other person’s life that may be causing them to act in a certain way. I have turned relationships around and incredibly deepened friendships by going through this exercise.
Secondly, I work very hard to recognize negative thoughts (in addition to judgments) in myself.
If you read my Fortytude post, you know that I tested very high with regard to cynicism on a personality test. You also know that I do not like personality tests. My dislike for them is largely centered around the fear and conclusion by many (including myself for a period of time) that what the test tells you IS your personality and you cannot change it.
I decided that cynicism is not part of my “personality.” To me, cynicism can be very negative. If someone says to me, “I can do a head stand in the middle of the room,” I want to immediately think “I am sure you can – and isn’t that amazing!” I do not want to react with an “I don’t think you can,” which is how a cynic would respond.
By my becoming much more conscious of the tendency to be cynical and questioning it, I believe my cynicism has faded over time.
I recently read a great article in the February 2012 Yoga Journal magazine entitled “Me and My Shadow,” in which the author, Sally Kempton, urges the reader to “shine a light” on their own negative tendencies and, over time, change them. “There is no magic bullet … for eliminating negativities. Instead, you need to bring them to consciousness, learn the lessons they have to teach you, and deliberately work with them.” As Sally concludes, “[c]hange doesn’t come from blindly trying to suppress or get rid of a negative tendency or by refusing to acknowledge a positive one. It comes through the power we gain by becoming aware of the actual tendency.”
There is one final concept that I try to focus on, and it is illuminated so beautifully through my work at a local homeless shelter. Once a week, I help homeless individuals study for their high school equivalency test, so that they can become more employable.
I have been so struck by the positive attitudes of these individuals. They have, literally, nothing from a material standpoint. Yet many of them have joy. They see lightness in situations in which I would never have seen it.
They have shown me that you can find happiness almost anywhere – you just have to make the effort to see it. It is so often within our control.
Another example of this came to me from one of my amazing yoga teachers. She told us how she was leaving the studio late one night just before Christmas and called her husband to tell him that she had to stop at Target for stocking stuffers and she was really dreading it. His response to her was that if she was going to go, she needed to “love it.” She embraced that attitude, went into the holiday rush at Target and was able to find joy.
My husband and I have both been trying this approach and have been amazed by its power. If I am dreading a situation, I find something about it that is positive, and I focus on it. I commit myself to “loving it” – and my whole attitude changes. I am able to find happiness in a situation in which I was anticipating misery.
By making these efforts, which may seem oversimplified to you, I have had tangible results in my own life. It almost feels like I am physically making room within myself for happiness and joy, by removing the negativity.
Try it. What do you have to lose?
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Wonderful post LeeAnn!
thank you Jill (the Great)!
I’m going to print this one so that I will have a reminder. Thx for sharing!!
You are so welcome, dear friend!
Well said LeeAnn. I printed this out to give to a co-worker. She could really use these words of wisdom right now. Thank you so much for sharing.
Amy – thanks for visiting and the kind comment!
Loved this post and agree 100%. Years ago I saw an interview with a doctor who studied the brains of happy people and he found that people who acted happy actually made themselves happy. Your attitude towards a situation makes all the difference. Not surrounding yourself with negative people helps, too! 🙂
Jen – you are so right!! Miss you and hope you are well!
I have so much I want to say about this. I read a book over the summer called, “The Happiness Project”. It changed my perspective on everything. I think about how I respond and react to everyone and everything since reading it. Now, after reading what you wrote on your blog, I am leaving with more insight than I had before. You are so right and I am certainly not surprised by that fact. I always look at people who are so negative. They might as well be carrying around a sign that says, “Mayor of Negative Town” or “My Glass is EMPTY”. It is friends like you who bring me to my happy place. It does not matter when I see you, there is never a time when you do not make me feel happy. That is something that means the world to me. <3
Kel – I thought of you when writing this post as I have learned from YOU on this topic. You are my inspiration. Hope news today is good!!! xoxoxo
Hi LeeAnn, there are so many wonderful points you bring out. I think about stories of people I know who have traveled to third world countries to help others; they come back completely changed because of the optimism and hope found in the hearts of people who have nothing (by our standards). Yet, the truth is that they may have more, by virtue of this mindset that you have discussed — being happy from within is so much more meaningful and important than striving for happiness based on what others around us think we need or should have. I just love the wisdom in the yoga instructor’s husband that we should find a way to love what we have chosen to do. We can recognize the downside of it, but we also need to know it was our choice to do it, so make the best of it. There is always something good to come out of every experience we have, even if it’s a painful one. Absolutely wonderful post. Thank you.
Robin – thank you for your kind words and support. You have put it so eloquently – “being being happy from within is so much more meaningful and important than striving for happiness based on what others around us think we need or should have.” I am writing that on a sticky and putting it on my computer screen so I will read it numerous times a day. We all seem to lose track of that – I know that I do. Thank YOU.
Very interesting and uplifting. I like that concept you read in the article, of bringing those negative tendencies to consciousness and examining the lessons they impart. It’s so easy to cop out and feel sorry for ourselves, instead of bucking up and looking at the darkness inside us head on – what a brave idea, isn’t it? Marvelous post!
Ilegirl – you are so right – it is a brave idea and it takes strength and perserverance (or at least with me it does) to fight that darkness – but the reward is so worth it. It was an excellent article – as an aside, I have actually found at least one inspiring article in every Yoga Journal magazine that I have read (I just started subscribing late last year). Thank you so much for your comments!
Hi Tunie – I saw this today and I thought of you and this post! Love, Your cousin Jenny
http://www.dailygood.org/view.php?sid=188
Hey Jenny! Wow – that is extremely powerful. I am going to print that out and save it. Thank you for sharing! Love to you and your family, Tunie
I just read this article and it was wonderful. Such powerful reminders of what it is important and how we should live every moment. Thank you, Jenny, for sharing!
So you and so well put. Thanks for a great reminder of what we should be striving for!
LeeAnn!
AAAHHH, I am so behind in my blog reading and am home with a sick little girl today so I am indulging… Just got around to this one. Thank you for the RE-reminder! Isn’t it amazing how “loving it” brings us into our power? Especially with the little things. I find that the little things, the annoyances, can be completely transformed by this practice. As soon as I commit to the moment, I take ownership for my life, for my story I am writing, and I feel empowered to make it juicy.
Feel totally uplifted just now. Thank you for that!
Hey Kendall – I hope your little girl feels better!! I also hope that you all at SPY realize the incredibly positive influence you have on us students. By telling this story, you changed, in a very good way, the lives of myself and my husband, and of other lives that we touch – plus all of the other students in class that day. Amazingly powerful. THANK YOU!!