Ok, this one is not going to be easy.

I need to tell you something. And it is a bit embarrassing to me.

Iwasonmatch.com.

Phew.

For exactly 16 days, 20 hours and 14 minutes.

I got on it out of curiosity. I remained on it because, honestly, the attention is a bit addictive. Each night I would come home from work and have conversations (all in email) with five different men who were fascinated by everything about me.

I eventually got off the site as it didn’t feel “authentic” to me and I am trying so hard to listen to that voice. Do I think match.com has value? Absolutely. It just was not right for me at this point in my life.

However, I learned from the experience and want to share my knowledge! In the event any of you are curious and want to try it out, here are some important tips/observations. And if you find a good match ad you want your relationship to grow, you may consider seeking couples counseling Palo Alto so you work out any issues with your partner.

1. Being nice is not good. Nice will get you in trouble.

One of the first emails that I received was three pages all about this “gentleman,” and his terrible experiences with women who told him he didn’t have enough money. I couldn’t NOT respond to him – I didn’t want him to think all women are materialistic and mean, so I responded. This was despite the fact that (a) of his five pictures on the site, three were in different colored “wife-beater” t-shirts, asking the viewer, which color do you like best? (I chose blue) and (b) when I showed his picture to my team at the bakery, one of them took one look at him and said, “he looks like a child molester” and then turned and walked away.

Because I responded to him, he thought I was interested. I spent the next 16 days, 20 hours and 14 minutes trying to get rid of him.

If you are unable to be mean, you may want to avoid match.com. I have strongly discouraged my sweet niece from ever getting on the site. She would end up married to a prisoner from Oklahoma before she could get off.

2. People lie. Like seriously lie.

Take the stated age and add ten years. Also, start with the assumption that the photographs are not recent. Black and white photos may not have been done for artistic effect.

Also, take the stated height of the man and subtract four inches.

I met a gentleman for dinner only to discover that he was ten years older than his biography stated. And despite that I had seen the eight pictures of him on his biography, I couldn’t have picked him out of a lineup. I think the bartender looked more like him in the pictures then he did.

And yet I went out with him again. Because I am too nice. And then spent the next 16 days, 20 hours….

3. If you can keep your sense of humor, it is incredibly funny. While having drinks with one “match”, he casually turned to me and asked … “so, are you still fertile?”

Seriously, after I wiped up the Mich Ultra I spit out of my mouth, all I could do was laugh. I told him that I was going to retitle my match.com profile “48 and still fertile?” We have actually become pretty good friends. Which leads me to …

4. You CAN make good friends.

In addition to Mr. Fertile, I now have a very good new friend who is a lawyer in Salt Lake City. As an aside, if there is not a separate dating site for Mormans, someone may want to consider setting one up. I am thinking that may be the most efficient way in which to find someone who does not run screaming from is not hesitant about the prospect of twelve stepchildren.

5. In all seriousness, be SAFE.

I encouraged several friends to get on match.com. After a sleepless night, I texted them both the next morning and probably kept them from sleeping for the next month.  “Assume all men are ax-murderers until you know for certain otherwise.” Do NOT give any personal info – email addresses, phone numbers or home addresses until you (or I) do extensive online research.

And above all, keep your sense of humor!